My husband just started his own photoblog. It is his passion, and I love seeing him pursue it with more of his time and energy! If you can, check it out and comment! He's looking for some fresh perspective and advice, since I just tell him everything is wonderful! haha.
Read/Subscribe to his blog here:
http://boyinamansuit.blogspot.com
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Monday, November 30, 2009
Sur La Menu
People's curioisity about my surgery and my post-op life always seems to come in themes. I often get asked a question I'd never before heard SEVERAL times in one week. So strange.
This last week, I've had a lot of people ask me what I cook, what kind of meals I make now that I've had weight loss surgery. So since I was preparing my shopping list for this week's groceries anyway, I figured I'd post some of the recipes I picked out for this week up!
I've only included the entrees. I will probably serve an assortment of sides, usually veggies or brown rice or mashed (but not loaded!) potatoes.
These are all high protein and low to moderate fat meals. Since I have to consume 100 or more grams of protein a day, it's impossible to completely eliminate fat from my meals. But I try to make sure I get healthy fat from things like good oils and fish!
Of course everyone needs a splurge now and then, even tasty some dessert recipes.
November 30, 2009--December 6, 2009
This last week, I've had a lot of people ask me what I cook, what kind of meals I make now that I've had weight loss surgery. So since I was preparing my shopping list for this week's groceries anyway, I figured I'd post some of the recipes I picked out for this week up!
I've only included the entrees. I will probably serve an assortment of sides, usually veggies or brown rice or mashed (but not loaded!) potatoes.
These are all high protein and low to moderate fat meals. Since I have to consume 100 or more grams of protein a day, it's impossible to completely eliminate fat from my meals. But I try to make sure I get healthy fat from things like good oils and fish!
Of course everyone needs a splurge now and then, even tasty some dessert recipes.
November 30, 2009--December 6, 2009
Stuffed French Toast
Servings: 2
INGREDIENTS
4 Slices reduced calorie bread (35kcal per slice)
½ cup fat-free ricotta cheese
2 packets sugar substitute
3 egg whites
Dash of Salt
¼ tsp pumpkin pie spice
Dash of Vanilla
Cooking spray
DIRECTIONS
1. Divide ricotta evenly between 2 slices of bread.
2. Sprinkle one packet of sugar substitute on each piece of bread.
3. Place remaining bread on top, making 2 sandwiches.
4. Beat egg whites. Add a dash of salt and ¼ tsp pumpkin pie spice and a dash of vanilla to egg whites and stir.
5. Dip sandwiches in egg whites and fry in non-stick skillet with small amount of cooking spray.
6. Brown on both sides.
NUTRITIONAL ANALYSIS
Calories: 227
Fat: .5 grams
Protein: 25 grams
Carbohydrate: 27 grams
Cholesterol: 20 mg
Sodium: 659 mg
Sugar: 8 grams
BBQ Roasted Salmon
Servings: 4
INGREDIENTS
1/4 cup pineapple juice
2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
4 salmon fillets (6 ounces each)
2 tablespoons brown sugar
4 teaspoons chili powder
2 teaspoons grated lemon rind
3/4 teaspoon ground cumin
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
DIRECTIONS
1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees.
2. Combine first three ingredients in Ziploc bag. Marinate in refrigerator for one hour, turning occasionally. Remove salmon from bag and discard marinade.
3. Combine remainder of ingredients and rub over fish. Place fillets in baking dish coated with cooking spray. Bake for 12-15 minutes or until desired doneness.
4.Serve with lemon slice garnish.
NUTRITIONAL ANALYSIS PER SERVING
Calories: 225
Fat: 6 grams
Protein: 34 grams
Carbohydrate: 7 grams
Cholesterol: 88 milligrams
Sodium: 407 milligrams
Sugar: 6 grams
Magically Moist Chicken
Servings: 4
INGREDIENTS
1 pounds skinless, boneless chicken breasts
1 and 1/4 cups Italian bread crumbs
1/4 cup fat free mayonnaise
DIRECTIONS
1. Preheat oven to 425 degrees.
2. Brush mayonnaise on chicken.
3. Place bread crumbs in bag and shake one piece of chicken at a time.
4. Place chicken breasts in foil-lined pan and bake for 40-45 minutes.
NUTRITIONAL ANALYSIS PER SERVING
Calories: 233
Fat: 5 grams
Protein: 37 grams
Carbohydrate: 8 grams
Cholesterol: 8 grams
Sodium: 268 milligrams
Sugar: 0 grams
Easy Fish Au Gratin
Servings: 4
INGREDIENTS
1 1/2 to 2 pound fish fillets (orange roughy, catfish, haddock, etc.)
1 can cream of mushroom soup or cream of celery soup
1/4 cup milk
1/4 to 1/2 cup grated cheese
1 1/2 cups soft bread crumbs tossed with 3 tablespoons melted butter
DIRECTIONS
1. Heat oven to 400°.
2. Butter a shallow baking dish.
3. Arrange fish in prepared baking dish.
4. Combine soup with milk in a saucepan over medium low heat and heat through.
5. Pour soup mixture over fish.
6. Sprinkle with grated cheese and buttered bread crumbs.
7. Bake for 10 to 15 minutes, or until golden on top and fish is flaky and cooked through.
NUTRITIONAL ANALYSIS PER SERVING
Calories: 305
Fat: 11 grams
Protein: 32 grams
Carbohydrate: 7 grams
Cholesterol: 88 milligrams
Sodium: 415 milligrams
Sugar: 3 grams
Crunchy Tuna Patties
Servings: 2
INGREDIENTS
1 (3 ounce) can of tuna in water
1 egg white
4 Wheat Thins crackers, crushed
1 tablespoon grated carrot
1-2 tablespoons chopped water chestnuts
1 teaspoon minced onion, if tolerated
Salt and pepper to taste
DIRECTIONS
1. Mix all ingredients together.
2. Spray medium skillet with nonstick cooking spray.
3. Cook patties until golden brown.
NUTRITIONAL ANALYSIS PER SERVING
Calories: 80 calories
Fat: 1 gram
Protein: 12 grams
Carbohydrate: 4 grams
Cholesterol: 22 grams
Sodium: 240 milligrams
Sugar: 0 grams
Frozen Raspberry Pie
Servings: 8
INGREDIENTS
32 chocolate wafers, (about 6 1/2 ounces; see Note), plus 1 for garnish
1/4 cup confectioners' sugar
2 tablespoons canola oil
2 tablespoons skim milk
1 tablespoon butter
3 cups raspberries, fresh or frozen (thawed)
2 tablespoons lemon juice
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 large egg whites, at room temperature (see Tip)
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/2 teaspoon cream of tartar
DIRECTIONS
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Coat a 9-inch pie pan with cooking spray.
2. To prepare crust: Process 32 wafers, confectioners' sugar, oil, milk and butter in a food processor until finely ground. Press the mixture into the bottom and up the sides of the prepared pan, creating an even, dense crust. Bake for 12 minutes. Cool on a wire rack to room temperature, about 1 hour, pressing any puffed parts of the crust back into the pan.
3. To prepare filling: Meanwhile, puree raspberries, lemon juice and salt in a blender or food processor until smooth. Strain through a fine-mesh sieve into a medium bowl, pressing with a rubber spatula to extract the juice; discard seeds.
4. Bring 1 inch of water to a slow simmer in a large saucepan. Combine egg whites, granulated sugar and cream of tartar in a 3-quart stainless-steel bowl. Beat with an electric mixer on medium speed until foamy. Set the bowl over the simmering water and continue to beat on medium speed, moving the mixer around, until the mixture is glossy and thick, about 3 1/2 minutes. Increase the speed to high, and continue beating over the simmering water until very stiff and glossy, about 3 1/2 minutes more (the eggs will be at a safe temperature, 160 degrees F, at this point). Remove from the heat (be careful of the escaping steam) and continue beating on medium speed until room temperature, 3 to 5 minutes.
5. Fold the raspberry puree into the meringue until combined. Pour the raspberry filling into the pie crust; crumble the remaining chocolate wafer over the top. Place the pie on a level surface in your freezer and freeze until solid, at least 6 hours. To serve, let the pie stand at room temperature until softened slightly, about 10 minutes, before slicing.
Note: Look for chocolate wafer cookies without any partially hydrogenated oils.
NUTRITIONAL ANALYSIS PER SERVING
Calories: 190 calories
Fat: 5 grams
Protein: 3 grams
Carbohydrate: 37 grams
Cholesterol: 4 milligrams
Sodium: 165 milligrams
Sugar: 23 grams
Sweet Potato Brownies
Servings:16
INGREDIENTS
1 stick trans fat-free margarine
1 c. sugar
½ c. Splenda sweetener
5 egg whites
½ T. vanilla extract
¾ c. all-purpose flour
½ c. oatmeal
½ c. baking cocoa
½ t. baking powder
1 c. mashed, cooked sweet potato (without skin)
¼ c. chopped pecans (optional)
DIRECTIONS
1. Preheat oven to 350ยบ. Lightly grease a 9x12" baking pan.
2. Cream the margarine, sugar, and Splenda.
3. Add the egg whites one by one.
4. Scrape the bowl well. Add the rest of the ingredients except the pecans. Mix well.
5. Spread batter in pan and top with pecans.
6. Bake about 30 minutes.
NUTRITIONAL ANALYSIS PER SERVING
Calories: 169 calories
Fat: 7 grams
Protein: 3 grams
Carbohydrate: 23 grams
Cholesterol: 0 milligrams
Sodium: 99 milligrams
Sugar: 13.3 grams
Monday, November 23, 2009
Positively Amazing
Because I don't want to end any blog for the day on a down note, here are some TOTALLY cool facts I found on this cook UK website!
Losing 130 pounds is equivalent to cutting 455,000 calories.
Cutting 455,000 calories is the same as saying "no" to:
* 3,138 baked potatoes, or
* 5,688 large eggs, or
* 3,792 cups of 2% milk, or
* 328 pounds of ground beef, or
* 5,230 glasses of wine, or
* 1,409 Snickers bars, or (my weakness)
* 3,273 cans of Coke, or
* 2,676 pints of Guinness beer, or
* 925 Big Macs, or
* 883 Quarter Pounders with Cheese, or
* 650 Whoppers, or
* 1,379 Subway 6" Oven Roasted Chicken Breast sandwiches, or
* 2,676 Taco Bell crunchy tacos, or WOW!
* 1,936 slices of pepperoni pizza from Pizza Hut
What it Takes to Burn 455,000 Calories
To burn 455,000 calories, a 190 pound male would have to:
* Backpack for 753 hours (31 days) nonstop, or
* Walk 5,230 miles (3,269 kilometers), or
* Bike for 1,319 hours (55 days) at 10 mph, or
* Bike 13,188 miles (8,243 kilometers), or
* Play basketball nonstop for 726 hours 30 days), or
* Play billiards for 2,106 hours (88 days), or
* Go bowling for 1,757 hours (73 days), or
* Stay on the golf course for 1,319 hours (55 days), or
* Spend 586 hours (24 days) playing competitive football, or
* Jump rope for 554 hours (23 days) straight!
You would have to walk the length of England about 8.73 times to burn 455,000 calories.
Who the heck cares what clothing size I am with those numbers? Puts things in perspective...
Losing 130 pounds is equivalent to cutting 455,000 calories.
Cutting 455,000 calories is the same as saying "no" to:
* 3,138 baked potatoes, or
* 5,688 large eggs, or
* 3,792 cups of 2% milk, or
* 328 pounds of ground beef, or
* 5,230 glasses of wine, or
* 1,409 Snickers bars, or (my weakness)
* 3,273 cans of Coke, or
* 2,676 pints of Guinness beer, or
* 925 Big Macs, or
* 883 Quarter Pounders with Cheese, or
* 650 Whoppers, or
* 1,379 Subway 6" Oven Roasted Chicken Breast sandwiches, or
* 2,676 Taco Bell crunchy tacos, or WOW!
* 1,936 slices of pepperoni pizza from Pizza Hut
What it Takes to Burn 455,000 Calories
To burn 455,000 calories, a 190 pound male would have to:
* Backpack for 753 hours (31 days) nonstop, or
* Walk 5,230 miles (3,269 kilometers), or
* Bike for 1,319 hours (55 days) at 10 mph, or
* Bike 13,188 miles (8,243 kilometers), or
* Play basketball nonstop for 726 hours 30 days), or
* Play billiards for 2,106 hours (88 days), or
* Go bowling for 1,757 hours (73 days), or
* Stay on the golf course for 1,319 hours (55 days), or
* Spend 586 hours (24 days) playing competitive football, or
* Jump rope for 554 hours (23 days) straight!
You would have to walk the length of England about 8.73 times to burn 455,000 calories.
Who the heck cares what clothing size I am with those numbers? Puts things in perspective...
Silly Dayna, vanity is for kids!
I'm hiding from my friends.
And it's stupid.
And I need to stop.
See, the holidays are often the time of year when I reconnect with friends and family and former co-workers that I haven't seen in a while. This year, in particular, has been full of those long lost friendships that are sprouting again.
And it's truly, thoroughly, exciting for me. I have really missed some of my friends, and I cannot WAIT to see them again. To catch up on their lives and laugh over old times. Some of them have kids that I'm dying to meet and spoil. Some of them have married, and I am thrilled to meet their new spouses.
But... I keep putting it off. I've been putting some of them off since June.
Finding one excuse or another to wait until next month. Or the next month, Or the next to actually meet. I stall with emails and texts and phone calls and cards and presents, I stall with excuses (though true) about my busy work schedule and how much I travel for work.
But none of those reasons are the truth.
The truth is...
It's because I'm afraid I haven't lost 'enough'.
I told you.
Stupid.
It's just, with such a public (and controversial) weight loss battle on my blog, on facebook, etc, I feel like there are tremendous... expectations.
It's one of the reasons I've moved most of my journey to this blog or private emails, and away from other forums.
Because I've figured out that normal, healthy people, do NOT understand the concept how 'pounds' lost actually equates to what I LOOK like.
I've lost over 130 pounds. That's a BIG number to the average person, who maybe weighs 150.
It's just, inconceivable to most. People hear that and think... miraculous transformation. They envision me wasting away now in a size 0. when someone loses 130 pounds on 'The Biggest Loser' they get their own clothing line and their on the cover of magazines.
Because in my experience 'fat' to normal people starts at about 185 pounds and stops at about 250, MAYBE 300 on a show like the Biggest Loser. Everyone over that is just 'huge'. They stop quantifying at that point.
So when I say I've lost 130 pounds, that MUST bring me into runway model weight range, right?
Wrong.
What's funny is that I'm still OVER 250 pounds. I carry my weight fairly well because of my height (5'9") so though most people knew I was very heavy, they had no idea that I was OVER 400 pounds at the time of surgery.
When your starting point is 400 pounds, 130 just... ISN'T... as big of a transformation as it sounds.
I mean health-wise it's amazing. As I mentioned, my surgeon told me I've gained 15 years of life already. But I'm still a 'big' woman.
And I'm afraid that these long lost friends will be... underwhelmed... by my progress.
Which is vain.
And not Christlike.
But I'll be darned if I don't feel it every time I talk to them about meeting up, and this blog is somewhere that I'm supposed to be honest, so I will be.
And to be honest, that superficial part of me is terrified of not meeting expectations. I want them to be surprised, not disappointed. I want my Jenny Jones 'I used to be fat' moment.
So I've been hiding, thinking that 20 more pounds will be enough to be comfortable seeing them. But then that 20 pounds comes and goes and it just wasn't as dramatic as I thought it would be, and I start thinking 'Maybe January... in January I'll probably be solidly into a size 16...'
And in January I'll think that if I can just hold off until March I'll be in a size 14 which is 'regular' sized clothes, and won't that be neat? I'll wait for March.
And then, lets say that I can bypass this insane line of thinking and tell myself that they don't CARE whether I've reached my goal weight or not, and they don't care what I look like.
See, then the second line of defense kicks in. I've also been avoiding showing my progress because... because I'm afraid it won't be permanent.
The truth is that many weight loss surgery patients gain some, or ALL, of the weight back because they don't change their habits, and eventually your stomach stretches enough to eat too many calories again.
And though I know that my life has changed drastically, I also know that I still have to fight food cravings everyday. I have to fight overeating at every MEAL, for that matter. It's a conscious daily battle.
And to tell you the truth, I don't have a great reputation for being all that consistent or dependable. It's all exciting now to see the pounds come off, but will I be this dedicated in a year? In 3? In 5?
And if I might gain it back... wouldn't it be better if my friends never saw this lower weight? Then it's like I've failed twice, instead of just once. They already picture me as fat right now, and it might be a LOT safer to leave them thinking that way until I get to my goal weight and I know I can maintain it for a while.
Definitely. So I'll just wait for that. Let's see, about a year to get to my goal weight, and then at least 10-12 months of maintenance...
So I can start seeing these old friends and long-distance family about... Christmas of 2011.
...
Get my drift? I've got some crazy thoughts going on in here.
And that's kind of an 'aha' moment.
Because I guess I thought that my insecurities would melt away with the pounds, you know? As I became less abnormal, as I started to fit in more, then I would feel more confident.
I guess I thought that my confidence issues were BECAUSE of my weight.
But I'm starting to figure out that...maybe...those issues aren't so related to the reflection in the mirror or the number on the scale.
In fact, I'm starting to wonder if maybe it was the other way around and the weight was because of the issues.
That just may be a bigger problem then...
No surgery to fix that.
Hmmm... Some thinking and praying to do methinks.
And it's stupid.
And I need to stop.
See, the holidays are often the time of year when I reconnect with friends and family and former co-workers that I haven't seen in a while. This year, in particular, has been full of those long lost friendships that are sprouting again.
And it's truly, thoroughly, exciting for me. I have really missed some of my friends, and I cannot WAIT to see them again. To catch up on their lives and laugh over old times. Some of them have kids that I'm dying to meet and spoil. Some of them have married, and I am thrilled to meet their new spouses.
But... I keep putting it off. I've been putting some of them off since June.
Finding one excuse or another to wait until next month. Or the next month, Or the next to actually meet. I stall with emails and texts and phone calls and cards and presents, I stall with excuses (though true) about my busy work schedule and how much I travel for work.
But none of those reasons are the truth.
The truth is...
It's because I'm afraid I haven't lost 'enough'.
I told you.
Stupid.
It's just, with such a public (and controversial) weight loss battle on my blog, on facebook, etc, I feel like there are tremendous... expectations.
It's one of the reasons I've moved most of my journey to this blog or private emails, and away from other forums.
Because I've figured out that normal, healthy people, do NOT understand the concept how 'pounds' lost actually equates to what I LOOK like.
I've lost over 130 pounds. That's a BIG number to the average person, who maybe weighs 150.
It's just, inconceivable to most. People hear that and think... miraculous transformation. They envision me wasting away now in a size 0. when someone loses 130 pounds on 'The Biggest Loser' they get their own clothing line and their on the cover of magazines.
Because in my experience 'fat' to normal people starts at about 185 pounds and stops at about 250, MAYBE 300 on a show like the Biggest Loser. Everyone over that is just 'huge'. They stop quantifying at that point.
So when I say I've lost 130 pounds, that MUST bring me into runway model weight range, right?
Wrong.
What's funny is that I'm still OVER 250 pounds. I carry my weight fairly well because of my height (5'9") so though most people knew I was very heavy, they had no idea that I was OVER 400 pounds at the time of surgery.
When your starting point is 400 pounds, 130 just... ISN'T... as big of a transformation as it sounds.
I mean health-wise it's amazing. As I mentioned, my surgeon told me I've gained 15 years of life already. But I'm still a 'big' woman.
And I'm afraid that these long lost friends will be... underwhelmed... by my progress.
Which is vain.
And not Christlike.
But I'll be darned if I don't feel it every time I talk to them about meeting up, and this blog is somewhere that I'm supposed to be honest, so I will be.
And to be honest, that superficial part of me is terrified of not meeting expectations. I want them to be surprised, not disappointed. I want my Jenny Jones 'I used to be fat' moment.
So I've been hiding, thinking that 20 more pounds will be enough to be comfortable seeing them. But then that 20 pounds comes and goes and it just wasn't as dramatic as I thought it would be, and I start thinking 'Maybe January... in January I'll probably be solidly into a size 16...'
And in January I'll think that if I can just hold off until March I'll be in a size 14 which is 'regular' sized clothes, and won't that be neat? I'll wait for March.
And then, lets say that I can bypass this insane line of thinking and tell myself that they don't CARE whether I've reached my goal weight or not, and they don't care what I look like.
See, then the second line of defense kicks in. I've also been avoiding showing my progress because... because I'm afraid it won't be permanent.
The truth is that many weight loss surgery patients gain some, or ALL, of the weight back because they don't change their habits, and eventually your stomach stretches enough to eat too many calories again.
And though I know that my life has changed drastically, I also know that I still have to fight food cravings everyday. I have to fight overeating at every MEAL, for that matter. It's a conscious daily battle.
And to tell you the truth, I don't have a great reputation for being all that consistent or dependable. It's all exciting now to see the pounds come off, but will I be this dedicated in a year? In 3? In 5?
And if I might gain it back... wouldn't it be better if my friends never saw this lower weight? Then it's like I've failed twice, instead of just once. They already picture me as fat right now, and it might be a LOT safer to leave them thinking that way until I get to my goal weight and I know I can maintain it for a while.
Definitely. So I'll just wait for that. Let's see, about a year to get to my goal weight, and then at least 10-12 months of maintenance...
So I can start seeing these old friends and long-distance family about... Christmas of 2011.
...
Get my drift? I've got some crazy thoughts going on in here.
And that's kind of an 'aha' moment.
Because I guess I thought that my insecurities would melt away with the pounds, you know? As I became less abnormal, as I started to fit in more, then I would feel more confident.
I guess I thought that my confidence issues were BECAUSE of my weight.
But I'm starting to figure out that...maybe...those issues aren't so related to the reflection in the mirror or the number on the scale.
In fact, I'm starting to wonder if maybe it was the other way around and the weight was because of the issues.
That just may be a bigger problem then...
No surgery to fix that.
Hmmm... Some thinking and praying to do methinks.
Friday, November 20, 2009
It's...almost...fun to shop again!
Goodness gracious, I am getting sick of wearing baggy clothes. The thing is, I'm just not quite to the point where it makes sense to spend money on clothes again, because I HOPE to lose quite a bit more weight (80 pounds or so), and it seems like it would just be a waste!
Don't get me wrong, I am SO SO thankful and content with my weight loss. I'm not trying to rush my body, I'm losing fast enough! I know!
But I have to admit, that I'm starting to get the passion for fashion again, and it's hard to be patient and practical, you know?!
:-)
Anyway, I came across this amazing plus-size fashion site called igigi.com. Pretty pricey, but oh how fun it is to dream of donning some of these gorgeous clothes. Especially the dresses!!
I'm wearing a size 16/18 now (it varies so much from brand to brand) which means I'm not to far away from being small enough to actually look GOOD in some things!
Here is my 'wishlisht' of looks. Great motivators, and a superb reminder that you can be stylish and--HOTT--at any size.
Maybe I'll hang a few on my mom's fridge to curb the thanksgiving cravings I'll be facing next week! :-)
And P.S.-- I'm being extra good, in hopes that Santa will bring me a pair of sexy calf-high boots! Wish me luck!
Don't get me wrong, I am SO SO thankful and content with my weight loss. I'm not trying to rush my body, I'm losing fast enough! I know!
But I have to admit, that I'm starting to get the passion for fashion again, and it's hard to be patient and practical, you know?!
:-)
Anyway, I came across this amazing plus-size fashion site called igigi.com. Pretty pricey, but oh how fun it is to dream of donning some of these gorgeous clothes. Especially the dresses!!
I'm wearing a size 16/18 now (it varies so much from brand to brand) which means I'm not to far away from being small enough to actually look GOOD in some things!
Here is my 'wishlisht' of looks. Great motivators, and a superb reminder that you can be stylish and--HOTT--at any size.
Maybe I'll hang a few on my mom's fridge to curb the thanksgiving cravings I'll be facing next week! :-)
And P.S.-- I'm being extra good, in hopes that Santa will bring me a pair of sexy calf-high boots! Wish me luck!
Monday, November 9, 2009
6 Months Already?!
Can you believe it? I'm just a hop, skip and a jump away from my 6 month-iversary! I don't have much time to write about it, but suffice it to say--I'm feeling GREAT. I was so encouraged by some of my friends after my last post that I decided to shake it all off, and just enjoy every day that comes my way. And for the life of me, I've been succeeding at that!
Before I go, here are my 'official' before and after shots. The first one was taken just before surgery, and the second one was taken a few days ago. This is the first time I've seen the change quantified, because we had lost the 'before' picture until recently, but it is truly INCREDIBLE. I am totally overwhelmed by the change these pictures show. When I look in the mirror, or go shopping, all I see is that I still have to shop in the plus size, and even though I'm down to a size 18, that doesn't seem--in my head--so different from the size 36 I was wearing before. I mean, they sell the clothes on the same racks. I still don't look like a supermodel, I still have to shop at specialty plus stores. That all means that I'm still fat, and fat is fat.
At least, that's what I used to think.
This fat, this size 18 fat, is just so different that my body is... transformed. It's just plain craziness. I carry it in totally different places. My FEET have shrunk, but my elbow rolls are the same size.
This losing weight thing is madness I tell you.
I decided to go ahead and post the pics here, because my little out-of-the-way blog doesn't draw nearly as much unwanted attention as my facebook or myspace might, if you know what I mean.
After all, it IS a weight loss blog. It's not like you don't expect to see a few fat rolls, and it's not like you expect me to have transformed into Giselle.
:-)
As much as I wish that was the case!
Before I go, here are my 'official' before and after shots. The first one was taken just before surgery, and the second one was taken a few days ago. This is the first time I've seen the change quantified, because we had lost the 'before' picture until recently, but it is truly INCREDIBLE. I am totally overwhelmed by the change these pictures show. When I look in the mirror, or go shopping, all I see is that I still have to shop in the plus size, and even though I'm down to a size 18, that doesn't seem--in my head--so different from the size 36 I was wearing before. I mean, they sell the clothes on the same racks. I still don't look like a supermodel, I still have to shop at specialty plus stores. That all means that I'm still fat, and fat is fat.
At least, that's what I used to think.
This fat, this size 18 fat, is just so different that my body is... transformed. It's just plain craziness. I carry it in totally different places. My FEET have shrunk, but my elbow rolls are the same size.
This losing weight thing is madness I tell you.
I decided to go ahead and post the pics here, because my little out-of-the-way blog doesn't draw nearly as much unwanted attention as my facebook or myspace might, if you know what I mean.
After all, it IS a weight loss blog. It's not like you don't expect to see a few fat rolls, and it's not like you expect me to have transformed into Giselle.
:-)
As much as I wish that was the case!
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Self Esteem, Careless Comments, and Pretzels
Today has been a weird day for me. I feel like I've been...aware...of my weight more than usual today.
It started this morning in my closet.
I put on this dress that I've had for like 6 years, but only worn once because it was always too small--even though it was a wrap dress. I put it on this morning and it fit perfectly, and I felt really beautiful leaving the house, which is a rare feeling so I cherished it.
As I settled into my cube, I got a call from my new boss. My kind, supportive, encouraging new boss. She's an incredibly fiesty Jewish Woman named Nicole who swears like a sailor, talks faster than anyone I've ever known (Yes Mom, she talks faster and louder than me!) and who somehow still radiates warmth and trust and gentleness of spirit. She's become a mentor in the short amount of time I've been working with her, and was instrumental in my getting promoted.
Anyway, today she came in to work and told me that she had brought me some clothes she thought i might like. She's very fashionable, so she's totally right! The thing is, she tells me that she is bringing me clothes that are too big for her, now that she's lost a little weight.
This is where perspective comes in. See, I see myself as being the same size as my boss. I mean I'm a little taller than her and stuff, but when I look at her, from my perspective, I sense that we're about the same dimensions around the waist, shoulder width, etc... does that make sense? So to hear her say that she's bringing me clothes that are to big for her, made me think "She sees me as bigger than her?" I wasn't offended by it or anything at all, it was just sort of curious, and it was an introspective moment. It made me wonder how accurately I see myself. I had been thinking I saw myself as BIGGER than I am, but this suddenly made me wonder if it's the opposite.
We went out to the car to get the clothes, and she tells me as she's handing them to me (and they are adorable clothes, and great designers too) that they are a size 24.
I'm a size 18. (down from a 34, by the way)
Which, knowing that she's lost a little weight recently, should mean that we are, in fact, about the same size afterall.
So why do I look bigger than her? Do I carry my weight differently than her? Strange.
It didn't upset me so much as get me thinking. That was the first thing that happened today to make me think about my weight.
A few hours later I was in a meeting with Nicole and two guys we work with. We were discussing some events that our company is going to have booths at. Since I was recently promoted to Marketing Coordinator, the management of tradeshows and events falls under my job description. But for the last few months, in the absence of a Marketing Coordinator, that task has been handled by a co-worker of mine in my former department, who has gone to all of these events to help set-up and man the booths along with the local Sales guys.
This girl, we'll call her Tiffany, is fairly attractive. She's thin, with flowy strawberry blond hair, and a very feminine sense of style. She's always wearing skirts and dresses and chic stilettos. Very pretty.
In this meeting, Nicole explains that I will be handling tradeshow management from now on because it's part of my job now. She also explained that we won't be sending someone from my former department anymore (Tiffany) because it's not necessary.
One of the guys speaks up and says that he thinks we should still send Tiffany to the tradeshows, even if she isn't managing them. At first Nicole and I were confused, and then he proceeded to say: 'this may sound sexist but, well, Tiffany brings attention to the booth.'
Yeah. At this point I'm hurt for women-kind as a whole. 100 years in the workplace and we're still being trophied as eye candy.
Then he continued.
"I just, I just don't see... anyone else... being able to attract attention the way she does. No offense."
No offense? Now I'm hurt for myself.
What am I? An ogre that's going to send people running and screaming from our booth?
I've always considered myself an engaging, warm, charming person. I may not look great in an a-line skirt and heels, but I am a damn good sales person.
Talk about a punch to the gut.
The meeting ended a few minutes later. I sat in my cube and just felt kind of numb. It was the kind of feeling where you know that if you allowed emotion to really set in you would be overcome by it, so instead you allow yourself to just feel the very outer edges of the emotions. Like testing the waters: "what just happened? How do I feel about it?"
I felt...
fat. ugly. insulted. indignant.
but at the same time, like I was over-reacting. he didn't mean it that way. he didn't mean to offend me. i felt guilty. self-depricating. like he was right. like I deserve it.
like 'this is how the real world is. get over it'
And all of a sudden a combination of things just dropped on me like an ACME anvil in a cartoon.
I'm still fat. I've lost 110 pounds, and I'm still fat enough for my boss to be uncomfortable with me manning the booth, representing the company. I'm still fat enough for my boss to donate clothes to me that are 4 sizes to big.
I'm still fat enough for a former Cascade classmate--who I reconnected with on the phone last week--to spend the entire call talkign about how she just can't beleive that even though I've lost 110 pounds I'm still a size 18, and was I SURE I'd lost 100 pounds? And how could I still weigh almost 300 pounds when she only weighs 220 and we're the same size? I tried to explain that she has a tiny frame and I don't but... whatever. The damage had been done.
It's difficult enough to battle my own mind. To look in the mirror after a shower and see something disgusting. It's hard enough that I'm reminded every time I weigh myself that even though I've lost more than my best friend weighs, I'm still only half way to normal.
It's hard enough to know that with size 12 feet and the shoulders of a line backer I'm never--no matter how many days a week I exercise or how little I eat--never going to look like my best friend, or the women in magazines. Or the women who turn my husband's head when they walk by.
Even if I actually get to my 'goal' weight of 185, and even less likely, I maintain that weight which less than 50% of Gastric Bypass patients do, I'm still going to look fat.
I'm going to have big feet and a big head and big shoulders and jiggly arms, and I'm never going to be 'normal' enough that someone looks at me and says 'I want her to run our booth'.
So what's the point?
It started this morning in my closet.
I put on this dress that I've had for like 6 years, but only worn once because it was always too small--even though it was a wrap dress. I put it on this morning and it fit perfectly, and I felt really beautiful leaving the house, which is a rare feeling so I cherished it.
As I settled into my cube, I got a call from my new boss. My kind, supportive, encouraging new boss. She's an incredibly fiesty Jewish Woman named Nicole who swears like a sailor, talks faster than anyone I've ever known (Yes Mom, she talks faster and louder than me!) and who somehow still radiates warmth and trust and gentleness of spirit. She's become a mentor in the short amount of time I've been working with her, and was instrumental in my getting promoted.
Anyway, today she came in to work and told me that she had brought me some clothes she thought i might like. She's very fashionable, so she's totally right! The thing is, she tells me that she is bringing me clothes that are too big for her, now that she's lost a little weight.
This is where perspective comes in. See, I see myself as being the same size as my boss. I mean I'm a little taller than her and stuff, but when I look at her, from my perspective, I sense that we're about the same dimensions around the waist, shoulder width, etc... does that make sense? So to hear her say that she's bringing me clothes that are to big for her, made me think "She sees me as bigger than her?" I wasn't offended by it or anything at all, it was just sort of curious, and it was an introspective moment. It made me wonder how accurately I see myself. I had been thinking I saw myself as BIGGER than I am, but this suddenly made me wonder if it's the opposite.
We went out to the car to get the clothes, and she tells me as she's handing them to me (and they are adorable clothes, and great designers too) that they are a size 24.
I'm a size 18. (down from a 34, by the way)
Which, knowing that she's lost a little weight recently, should mean that we are, in fact, about the same size afterall.
So why do I look bigger than her? Do I carry my weight differently than her? Strange.
It didn't upset me so much as get me thinking. That was the first thing that happened today to make me think about my weight.
A few hours later I was in a meeting with Nicole and two guys we work with. We were discussing some events that our company is going to have booths at. Since I was recently promoted to Marketing Coordinator, the management of tradeshows and events falls under my job description. But for the last few months, in the absence of a Marketing Coordinator, that task has been handled by a co-worker of mine in my former department, who has gone to all of these events to help set-up and man the booths along with the local Sales guys.
This girl, we'll call her Tiffany, is fairly attractive. She's thin, with flowy strawberry blond hair, and a very feminine sense of style. She's always wearing skirts and dresses and chic stilettos. Very pretty.
In this meeting, Nicole explains that I will be handling tradeshow management from now on because it's part of my job now. She also explained that we won't be sending someone from my former department anymore (Tiffany) because it's not necessary.
One of the guys speaks up and says that he thinks we should still send Tiffany to the tradeshows, even if she isn't managing them. At first Nicole and I were confused, and then he proceeded to say: 'this may sound sexist but, well, Tiffany brings attention to the booth.'
Yeah. At this point I'm hurt for women-kind as a whole. 100 years in the workplace and we're still being trophied as eye candy.
Then he continued.
"I just, I just don't see... anyone else... being able to attract attention the way she does. No offense."
No offense? Now I'm hurt for myself.
What am I? An ogre that's going to send people running and screaming from our booth?
I've always considered myself an engaging, warm, charming person. I may not look great in an a-line skirt and heels, but I am a damn good sales person.
Talk about a punch to the gut.
The meeting ended a few minutes later. I sat in my cube and just felt kind of numb. It was the kind of feeling where you know that if you allowed emotion to really set in you would be overcome by it, so instead you allow yourself to just feel the very outer edges of the emotions. Like testing the waters: "what just happened? How do I feel about it?"
I felt...
fat. ugly. insulted. indignant.
but at the same time, like I was over-reacting. he didn't mean it that way. he didn't mean to offend me. i felt guilty. self-depricating. like he was right. like I deserve it.
like 'this is how the real world is. get over it'
And all of a sudden a combination of things just dropped on me like an ACME anvil in a cartoon.
I'm still fat. I've lost 110 pounds, and I'm still fat enough for my boss to be uncomfortable with me manning the booth, representing the company. I'm still fat enough for my boss to donate clothes to me that are 4 sizes to big.
I'm still fat enough for a former Cascade classmate--who I reconnected with on the phone last week--to spend the entire call talkign about how she just can't beleive that even though I've lost 110 pounds I'm still a size 18, and was I SURE I'd lost 100 pounds? And how could I still weigh almost 300 pounds when she only weighs 220 and we're the same size? I tried to explain that she has a tiny frame and I don't but... whatever. The damage had been done.
It's difficult enough to battle my own mind. To look in the mirror after a shower and see something disgusting. It's hard enough that I'm reminded every time I weigh myself that even though I've lost more than my best friend weighs, I'm still only half way to normal.
It's hard enough to know that with size 12 feet and the shoulders of a line backer I'm never--no matter how many days a week I exercise or how little I eat--never going to look like my best friend, or the women in magazines. Or the women who turn my husband's head when they walk by.
Even if I actually get to my 'goal' weight of 185, and even less likely, I maintain that weight which less than 50% of Gastric Bypass patients do, I'm still going to look fat.
I'm going to have big feet and a big head and big shoulders and jiggly arms, and I'm never going to be 'normal' enough that someone looks at me and says 'I want her to run our booth'.
So what's the point?
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