6 Months Already?!

Can you believe it? I'm just a hop, skip and a jump away from my 6 month-iversary! I don't have much time to write about it, but suffice it to say--I'm feeling GREAT. I was so encouraged by some of my friends after my last post that I decided to shake it all off, and just enjoy every day that comes my way. And for the life of me, I've been succeeding at that!

Before I go, here are my 'official' before and after shots. The first one was taken just before surgery, and the second one was taken a few days ago. This is the first time I've seen the change quantified, because we had lost the 'before' picture until recently, but it is truly INCREDIBLE. I am totally overwhelmed by the change these pictures show. When I look in the mirror, or go shopping, all I see is that I still have to shop in the plus size, and even though I'm down to a size 18, that doesn't seem--in my head--so different from the size 36 I was wearing before. I mean, they sell the clothes on the same racks. I still don't look like a supermodel, I still have to shop at specialty plus stores. That all means that I'm still fat, and fat is fat.

At least, that's what I used to think.

This fat, this size 18 fat, is just so different that my body is... transformed. It's just plain craziness. I carry it in totally different places. My FEET have shrunk, but my elbow rolls are the same size.

This losing weight thing is madness I tell you.

I decided to go ahead and post the pics here, because my little out-of-the-way blog doesn't draw nearly as much unwanted attention as my facebook or myspace might, if you know what I mean.

After all, it IS a weight loss blog. It's not like you don't expect to see a few fat rolls, and it's not like you expect me to have transformed into Giselle.

:-)

As much as I wish that was the case!

Self Esteem, Careless Comments, and Pretzels

Today has been a weird day for me. I feel like I've been...aware...of my weight more than usual today.

It started this morning in my closet.

I put on this dress that I've had for like 6 years, but only worn once because it was always too small--even though it was a wrap dress. I put it on this morning and it fit perfectly, and I felt really beautiful leaving the house, which is a rare feeling so I cherished it.

As I settled into my cube, I got a call from my new boss. My kind, supportive, encouraging new boss. She's an incredibly fiesty Jewish Woman named Nicole who swears like a sailor, talks faster than anyone I've ever known (Yes Mom, she talks faster and louder than me!) and who somehow still radiates warmth and trust and gentleness of spirit. She's become a mentor in the short amount of time I've been working with her, and was instrumental in my getting promoted.

Anyway, today she came in to work and told me that she had brought me some clothes she thought i might like. She's very fashionable, so she's totally right! The thing is, she tells me that she is bringing me clothes that are too big for her, now that she's lost a little weight.

This is where perspective comes in. See, I see myself as being the same size as my boss. I mean I'm a little taller than her and stuff, but when I look at her, from my perspective, I sense that we're about the same dimensions around the waist, shoulder width, etc... does that make sense? So to hear her say that she's bringing me clothes that are to big for her, made me think "She sees me as bigger than her?" I wasn't offended by it or anything at all, it was just sort of curious, and it was an introspective moment. It made me wonder how accurately I see myself. I had been thinking I saw myself as BIGGER than I am, but this suddenly made me wonder if it's the opposite.

We went out to the car to get the clothes, and she tells me as she's handing them to me (and they are adorable clothes, and great designers too) that they are a size 24.

I'm a size 18. (down from a 34, by the way)

Which, knowing that she's lost a little weight recently, should mean that we are, in fact, about the same size afterall.

So why do I look bigger than her? Do I carry my weight differently than her? Strange.

It didn't upset me so much as get me thinking. That was the first thing that happened today to make me think about my weight.

A few hours later I was in a meeting with Nicole and two guys we work with. We were discussing some events that our company is going to have booths at. Since I was recently promoted to Marketing Coordinator, the management of tradeshows and events falls under my job description. But for the last few months, in the absence of a Marketing Coordinator, that task has been handled by a co-worker of mine in my former department, who has gone to all of these events to help set-up and man the booths along with the local Sales guys.

This girl, we'll call her Tiffany, is fairly attractive. She's thin, with flowy strawberry blond hair, and a very feminine sense of style. She's always wearing skirts and dresses and chic stilettos. Very pretty.

In this meeting, Nicole explains that I will be handling tradeshow management from now on because it's part of my job now. She also explained that we won't be sending someone from my former department anymore (Tiffany) because it's not necessary.

One of the guys speaks up and says that he thinks we should still send Tiffany to the tradeshows, even if she isn't managing them. At first Nicole and I were confused, and then he proceeded to say: 'this may sound sexist but, well, Tiffany brings attention to the booth.'

Yeah. At this point I'm hurt for women-kind as a whole. 100 years in the workplace and we're still being trophied as eye candy.

Then he continued.

"I just, I just don't see... anyone else... being able to attract attention the way she does. No offense."

No offense? Now I'm hurt for myself.

What am I? An ogre that's going to send people running and screaming from our booth?

I've always considered myself an engaging, warm, charming person. I may not look great in an a-line skirt and heels, but I am a damn good sales person.

Talk about a punch to the gut.

The meeting ended a few minutes later. I sat in my cube and just felt kind of numb. It was the kind of feeling where you know that if you allowed emotion to really set in you would be overcome by it, so instead you allow yourself to just feel the very outer edges of the emotions. Like testing the waters: "what just happened? How do I feel about it?"

I felt...

fat. ugly. insulted. indignant.

but at the same time, like I was over-reacting. he didn't mean it that way. he didn't mean to offend me. i felt guilty. self-depricating. like he was right. like I deserve it.

like 'this is how the real world is. get over it'

And all of a sudden a combination of things just dropped on me like an ACME anvil in a cartoon.

I'm still fat. I've lost 110 pounds, and I'm still fat enough for my boss to be uncomfortable with me manning the booth, representing the company. I'm still fat enough for my boss to donate clothes to me that are 4 sizes to big.

I'm still fat enough for a former Cascade classmate--who I reconnected with on the phone last week--to spend the entire call talkign about how she just can't beleive that even though I've lost 110 pounds I'm still a size 18, and was I SURE I'd lost 100 pounds? And how could I still weigh almost 300 pounds when she only weighs 220 and we're the same size? I tried to explain that she has a tiny frame and I don't but... whatever. The damage had been done.

It's difficult enough to battle my own mind. To look in the mirror after a shower and see something disgusting. It's hard enough that I'm reminded every time I weigh myself that even though I've lost more than my best friend weighs, I'm still only half way to normal.

It's hard enough to know that with size 12 feet and the shoulders of a line backer I'm never--no matter how many days a week I exercise or how little I eat--never going to look like my best friend, or the women in magazines. Or the women who turn my husband's head when they walk by.

Even if I actually get to my 'goal' weight of 185, and even less likely, I maintain that weight which less than 50% of Gastric Bypass patients do, I'm still going to look fat.

I'm going to have big feet and a big head and big shoulders and jiggly arms, and I'm never going to be 'normal' enough that someone looks at me and says 'I want her to run our booth'.

So what's the point?

The dreaded (but much requested) full body shot!

I've been asked to post a full body shot, and as much as it makes me nauseaus... I'm gonna do it! Ok. First the 'Before' shot. Ben had to comb his archives to find even ONE full body shot of me before surgery, because I'm EXT...REMELY efficient at deleting them immediately after he takes them. As you can see, I wasn't happy he was taking this one either. I showed him via sign language. *blush* I'm sorry Mom and Dad, I promise it's the only full body shot I could find!

CLICK TO ENLARGE (ha, no pun intended)



I loved that shirt. I miss it.

And now the 'after'. This was taken yesterday. As you can see, I've still got a long way to go (at least 85 pounds) but still... it's progress!

CLICK TO ENLARGE

WOO HOO!

As of 9:00pm last night, I have lost 100 pounds. Half way to my goal and too busy to even celebrate it except for this little post!!

8 Weeks

Well folks, this surgery and I are getting along swimmingly. My weight loss has stabilized to a steady 2 or 3 pounds a week, and I'm very happy with that. When I was losing too quickly it was making me grumpy, and draining all of my energy which made working out too difficult. Now, even though the pounds are coming off more slowly, I'm able to work out more, which makes me feel great!

To be honest though, I haven't stepped a foot inside a gym in a full week. You see, my dear aunt Flo came to visit. (This is where any stray boy might want to stop reading).

Since I'm not allowed to take aspirin or ibprofen--or anything that contains either of those--I decided to let myself take a week off from my workout schedule to relax. Instead of hitting the gym, I spent my free time with my heating pad, warm creamy cups of tea, and a good book! haha.

It was sort of crazy to see what my cycle did to my weight loss graph. The first day I gained 5 pounds of water weight. 5 POUNDS in one day! It was so crazy to see it jump like that. It stayed elevated for the first 3 days, and then started dropping again. Now I'm at day 6 and back down to just below my pre-cycle weight. So really all it did was cost me a week of progress, but that's not a big deal.

My body is in this super weird transition phase. I look in the mirror and get discouraged instantly. Because, I'm losing weight--slowly, but it's happening, I know that--but it's not in a shrinking way. It's not like those simulations they show on diet pill infomercials where they start with this big bloated cartoon who morphs into a skinny girl. It looks more like....

melting.

:-)

I know. Sexy. But seriously, everywhere that used to be solid firm fat (the worst kind!) is now sort of... jigggly. My nutritionist says it's totally normal, and my skin is doing a fairly good job of keeping up, but it's still a very unattractive process.

But who cares? I still have 150 pounds to go. That's an entire Benjamin that I have to lose! Ya can't expect that to happen smoothly!

Heading out to for my daily protein shake, but I'll write again soon!

By the way, I came across this picture of myself from the summer I first met Ben, and it made me cry. I looked so confident, and happy, and energetic. In fact, my face looked down-right SLIM compared to most of my adult life.

This is the girl that Ben fell in love with, the young girl with long wispy curls, a sparkle in her eyes and a bright smile.

Where did she go?! She got hidden away by 75 pounds of post-wedding weight, and bad haircuts, I guess.

I can only hope that I'll look like this again, sometime soon...

My Weight Loss Soul Sister

So I found this channel on You Tube and I am LOVING this girl. This is one of her first videos, and although it's like 18 months old, it's so similar to where I am, that I had to post it. It's like having a friend going through the same thing as me!! Thank goodness for You Tube.



P.S.--I plan to do my own videos soon. I'm still not feeling confident enough to put my fat face on the internet. :-)

Quick Update--5 weeks post op

I'm feeling great!!!

The last 7-10 days have made a huge difference. I'm feeling very little pain anymore, meeting my hydration goals most days, and I have WAY more energy! Exercising on a regular basis has really helped. I am still not eating much, but the excercise keeps my energy up, and gives me motivation to eat--after all, I HAVE to eat to be able to excercise.

Food has become--at least for right now--sort of a chore. Because I can't eat the same things I used to eat (comfort food like macaroni, hot dogs, and bread) it doesn't really appeal to me at all anymore. It's just not 'fun' anymore! That change has been the biggest emotional challenge so far, and belieive me I'm still dealing with that every day. I am very literally mourning my old comfort food hobby. For me, food was my main source of 'fun' and happiness for more than 15 years. Food made me feel better, every single time. Now when things suck, I have to cope with them like a grown-up and that's hard to do when you don't have any practice!!

:-)

Still, though I've been a bit emotional abotu it all, I haven't been even remotely tempted to try any of those 'bad' foods, because I still have VERY firm memories of being sick the first few weeks and I don't want to do anything to relive that stage.

I've been really good about eating only protein-rich foods, but when I do feel the need to 'splurge' I have a couple of safe filler foods that I've been relying on. One of those is avacado. When I'm feeling the need to have a non-protein food, that's my treat. I can only eat about 2 table-spoons a time, so the fat content is not soemthing to worry about and it is one of the only foods so far that has actually given me a reminicent 'comfort food' feeling. It's great!

I also let myself have a little sweet-potato on my birthday, and that was heavenly!!

I'm at right around 50 pounds of weight loss now, and trying not to weight too often (it's soooooo tempting to do it every day) because I know it can be discouraging, and my weight fluxes so much over the course of a week that it doesn't really give an accurate idea of where I'm at anyway.

That's all for now, off to the store to investigate protein-bar choices.

adios!