By The Way...

I've lost 29 pounds since leaving the hospital. The vast majority of that loss is from the IV fluids and gas I was full of when I left, so I think it's only really about 12 pounds of beneficial loss. Fat loss. 

The crazy thing is, I don't see any of it. My pants feel just as tight, my face looks just as fat. My mom explained that I probably won't see it for quite a while because I imagine myself as so much smaller than I really am right now. She said that there's a point where we stop really gaining weight in our mind, so until we get down to that picture in our heads, everything is still just 'fat'. 

That makes sense. Still--29 pounds and I can't see it? For most of the people I know, 29 pounds would totally alter the way they look. I imagine Skyelar losing 29 pounds. laughable. She'd be dead. But I have so much to lose that what consists of a third of her body weight is a small enough amount on me to be unnoticeable. 

Sort of more depressing than encouraging.

:-)

Post Surgery Update #2--A Week since Discharge

The last week has really tested my strength and my conviction. To put it bluntly--this surgery is kicking my butt. When they explained--pre surgery--that you'd have to drink all day to stay hydrated, it sounded like an easy task. I figured I'd be so hungry, that I'd HAVE to drink all day to stay sane.

 

Oh how naive that Dayna was.

 

My first week after surgery I struggled with EVERY sip, and I mean SIP, of any liquid. I was supposed to drink about a communion-cup full of liquid every 15 minutes. It sounds laughable. Who couldn't do THAT?! 

 

Apparently me.

 

It's difficult to explain WHY it's so difficult to stay hydrated. Part of it, of course, is the pain. The sutures--the strips where they cut through skin and abdomen--were very painful. Especially the larger ones, where the cameras and tools were threaded through for surgery. But that pain was mostly superficial compared to the real problem--the pressure. In surgery they pump your abdomen full of CO2 gas to lift your fat away from your organs, so that they can have room to work. So, it makes sense that the larger you are, the more fat, the more gas it takes to create that space. 

 

It took a great deal in my case.

 

This gas doesn't magically evaporate. And because your intestines have been re-routed and are swollen significantly, it's not as if you can belch or toot the gas out. The gas just sat there, pushing out at my recently severed stomach, at my abs, and at my sutures. It's like being blown up like a balloon, full to bursting. So though the suture pain was debilitating, it was really the bloating that beat me up.

 

That and my pouch--the shot-glass sized new stomach--was not very welcoming. This might be too much information, so tune out if you're not up for it. For every second or third sip of water I took, I was rushing to the bathroom to throw up. Imagine throwing up on less than half an ounce of water, and being told that I have to drink 64 ounces every day. You can understand the battle with dehydration.

 

That battle really summed up my entire first week. I sipped, threw up, ached, felt bloated, walked a little bit, and that cycle repeated itself every 2 hours. I slept fitfully because every position was painful. I regretted having surgery about every 10 minutes, and cursed myself for being so fat that I couldn't lose weight like a normal person. I wondered if I'd tried hard enough. I wondered if I was strong enough to make it through recovery. I got nauseous at the very sight or smell of food. I didn't want to see anyone, talk to anyone, email anyone. I just slid, slowly, into this depressed, painful funk.

 

And then my little brother called from California, and said that he and my parents wanted Ben and me to come down. For those of you who don't know, my mother had the surgery just over a year ago and has been extremely successful. They were all worried about me, and he said mom wanted to help. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle a car-ride, so I told them no. But Ryan (my adorable 19 year old brother) bought us train tickets, and said that I could walk around whenever needed that way. 

 

So sweet.

 

So we made arrangements, and 2 days ago we boarded the train. I don't know if it was coming home, or simply the passage of enough time, that was the turning point, but I've definitely improved since being here. First of all, I decided--at my mom's insistence--that hydration was not optional. She asked whether I'd rather pay a few hundred dollars in co-insurance to have IV fluids, or if I wanted to suck it up and hydrate myself. Put in monetary terms with Ben still out of work, the decision seemed so much more simple! Ha-ha. So I did something stupid--that actually worked.

 

I took a glass of water, about 12 ounces, to the bathroom. I decided that I was going to drink every drop in that glass before I left that bathroom. If I threw up 8 times, then so be it. If I was miserable afterward, ok. Whatever it took, I was going to hydrate myself. I wasn't going to be a victim.

 

I drank every drop. I was SHOCKED! Yes it took me about a half hour to force it all in, and I felt miserable for several hours afterward, but you know what? I survived. And I perked up. I felt less depressed--even though I felt physically bad. I started to feel like I might be able to do this. I walked more. I took another glass into the bathroom that night. It was the first time I'd topped 10 ounces for a DAY, and I'd done it in the span of a half hour!

 

I don't have to do that anymore. It's been 2 days since then, and I am sipping without much trouble. I'm still not meeting the requirements, but mom says that I'm less pale, and that I'm looking much better. I'm FEELING better. The pain is still there, and the bloating, but I am finally re-gaining a positive attitude, finally grasping onto the will power and courage that walked me into that hospital to change my life.

 

It's not smooth sailing yet. I'm still struggling constantly, and mom--again, speaking from experience--says it will probably be another couple of weeks before I start to feel like a normal human being. It will probably be another couple of weeks before I start to remember WHY I did this. Start to feel that motivation to lose weight and get healthy again. But for now, the fact that I've re-gained the motivation to LIVE, is progress enough. Ha-ha! Anything else is just a bonus at this point.

 

And so I keep truckin' along! 

 

I'll be in Redding another 3 days, and then I have to prepare for my new job. I start in a week, and I know it's going to be extremely difficult to put on my capable-and-enthusiastic face while battling with recovery, but on the other hand it might be a welcome challenge and distraction from what my body is doing and feeling! I'll try to post more often now that I'm back in the land of the living. 

 

:-)

 

Adios!

 

Post-Surgery Update !!!!

Ok! So a lot of people have asked me to call and fill them in on how I'm doing, but since my only waking hours have been full of pain meds and staying hydrated and Amanda's wedding (YAY!!!), I'm going to have to send out a mass update this way, and request forgiveness for the way it's being done.

I checked in at Legacy Good Samaritan hospital at 7:30 the morning of surgery. The check-in was pretty uneventful. A nurse took me back to a triage sort of area called the 'short stay' unit. They had me change into a hospital gown and pack all of my clothes into a plastic bag. They also had me give all of my valuables to Ben to keep, and then they took everything else (my clothes and my bag full of goodies for my stay) up to my future hospital room. It was kind of weird, knowing they were holding everything for me, assuming I was going to be joining my belongings in just a few hours. I was tempted to wonder what their procedure was if I never made it to the room, but I shut that thought down immediately. I knew it would lead to me imagining Ben getting bad news, alone in a waiting room, and I was too frazzled to handle that image.

The nurse was extremely talkative. Even when she wasn't drawing the vials of blood, administering any tests, or having me sign away my life (literally!) in piles of paperwork, she hung around and told me all about her reduced hours at the hospital and her daughter's success in high school. I think she was harmlessly trying to distract me from the coming surgery, but all it really did was rob Ben and I of any time alone together whatsoever. He and I just sat there, making small talk with this stranger for about 2 hours. Suddenly the Surgeon was stopping by to say hello and let me know we'd be moving into surgery shortly. She wasn't kidding. The short stay unit has no cell phone reception because it's directly below the radiology department. So I sent Ben out to the lobby to call my mom and let her know I was going into surgery soon, and by the time he got back the anesthesiologist was rolling me out of the room! I didn't even get to hug him or kiss him or share an intimate 'goodbye' moment. I could tell by the look on his face that he was frustrated by the situation too.

The anesthesiologist told Ben that the surgeon would let him know as soon as I was out of surgery, but it might be a few hours before he'd actually get to see me because they'd need to stabilize me in the recovery room before bringing me up to my hospital room. The guy was friendly and energetic, and full of corny knock knock jokes--he actually used the "who’s there, ach, ach-who, bless you!" joke. Yeah. I think I could see the entire floor of nurses roll their eyes in my peripheral vision. But his intention was sweet, and I WAS nervous, so any distraction was welcome.

The operation room was much bigger than it seems on TV. It was significantly larger than S-100 at cascade. The entire ceiling was covered in faux-sky lights. Clear panels with paintings of sunny blue skies shining through. I repaid the anesthesiologist with a lame joke of my own. "Lucky you, the only person in western Oregon that gets to work under blue skies every day" he pretended like it was the first time he'd heard the joke.

You know how, on TV, they always show the person getting a mask placed over their face and being asked to count down from 10? They never get past 7. Well I didn't get this moment! I think he must have injected a sedative directly into my IV when I wasn't looking, because one moment I was chuckling at my own lame joke, and the next thing I knew I was waking up in Recovery.

Ok so here's where the 'WOW, I'M DUMB!' moment began. Like I've been telling all the people who have criticized my choice, I've been researching this surgery for 9 months. I have read thousands of pages, and talked to post-op patients in various stages. I had 6 months of nutritional and physical therapy appointments in preparation for surgery. I met with my surgeon twice. I sat through two seminars on what to expect after surgery. I'm extremely well versed on what a post-op diet will look like, exercise recommendations and limitations, weight loss expectations, possible complications, and just about everything else anyone could have questions about.

 

Just about.

 

Funny thing is, in all of that research, I never thought to ask my surgeon--and NO ONE EVER MENTIONED-- a small but vital question.

 

How much pain will I be in after surgery?

 

Apparently, that was an important question to have asked. I woke up in the recovery room, gasping for air and screaming. SCREAMING. Like a crazy person. I was totally and completely blindsided by the pain, and I kept trying to tell the nurse--ok I was YELLING at the nurse--that they did something wrong because 'It Hurts!!'. 

 

Ha-ha. Oh silly me. So much-too-late-note-to-self: When they cut through your abdomen in 6 or 7 two-inch strips, you're gonna feel that when you wake up.

 

I know. I told you I'm dumb.

 

So they must have put me back out to shut me up, because I don't remember much other than the nurse telling me to calm down and my pain was totally normal, until I woke up in my private room with Ben at my side. 

 

The next 2 days were a bit of a blur. I really 'pushed' through the pain. Yep. I pushed my morphine drip button EVERY time the button lit up (about every 1o minutes). So much for being noble and strong. But I guess that's what the button is for, right?

 

They started bringing me trays of liquids the morning of the second day, but I never made it through any of them. Not even close really. They'd always bring 3 things--like a cup of soup, a cup of milk, and a cup of juice. I was supposed to sip constantly for about 4 hours to consume all 3. I usually just ate ice chips.

 

That works fine when you have an IV drip doing the hydration for you, but looking back now I wish I would have gotten into the habit of drinking at the hospital--because at home there's no IV failsafe, and it's even more difficult to drink.

 

I went home on a Thursday morning--3 days and 2 nights post op--with a prescription for liquid pain meds and a note to call my doctor if I started dying. :-) 

 

More to come later! 

 

Now That's Just Mean...

Today is the first day of my liquid diet. I'm starving. Funny that yesterday I couldn't force myself to eat anything, but now that I'm not allowed to have food it all sounds delicious. I know right? Definitely a mental thing.

So half of my office is out on vacation today, taking a 4 day weekend. There are only a few of us that didn't take the day off, and apparently they decided to celebrate by having a potluck. 

Yeah. Great timing.

So there's a creamy slamon spread and crackers, Costco's giant chocolate muffins, a sausage breakfast casserole, cinammon and apple salsa on homemade tortilla chips and assorted other goodies. On a table. A table which sits 6 feet from my desk. 

That's just mean. 

:-) 

Oh well, no pain no gain---err, loss---right?!

Struggles...

Today is my last day of solid food for more than 4 weeks. I have to do a 3 day liquid diet before surgery, and then of course I'll be on liquid and eventually puree for my first 4 weeks of recovery. I keep waiting for this 'last meal' mindset to set in that makes me want to devour everything in sight. And afterall, I have every right to do that. My surgeon endorsed a free day before my liquid diet starts, to enjoy the foods you really love because you may not like them or be able to eat them after surgery. 

And yet, here it is 1:30 in the afternoon, the middle of my lunch break, and I haven't eaten anything today. I haven't even finished my first protein shake yet, and I should be half way through my second by this time of the day.  This has actually become a frustrating trend lately. Ever since starting my pre-op diet, I feel like I am force feeding myself all day at work. As wonderful as fruit smoothies are, when you add the protein powder, replace the juice with water, and have to have 40 ounces a day of them.... they lose their appeal. What was fun the first couple of days has become a chore--one I'm not good at pushing myself to accomplish.

I think the issue is that I don't really LIKE any of these high protein low calorie foods. We're talking cottage cheese, yogurt, veggies and lean deli meats here. All day, everyday. Eating is no-fun anymore, so I'm not interested in it. Nearly every day this week I have had to force myself to eat something because I have hit rock-bottom in my blood sugar. I keep meaning to eat breakfast... and then lunch...but next thing I know it's 3 in the afternoon and I'm light headed, shaking fingers, and suffering from smoothie induced heartburn.  

Do you know how strange it is to be a food addict who doesn't feel like eating? It's miserable. My energy is low and my mood is dipping as well. 

The thing is, I don't see any way to make myself 'happy' with the food. If I go out and splurge for my last day, have pizza or pasta or something I love, I'd feel so guilty afterward for the fat I ate that it wouldn't be at all worth it. Besides, we can't really afford to go out to eat, and all of the food in the refrigerator is healthy. 

But today I don't WANT to eat another bite of green beans, or lunch meat, or another spoonful of cottage cheese. Even hard boiled eggs sound disgusting. So here I am, spending my lunch break NOT eating.

The problem is, that I NEED to be eating. If I don't at least drink the protein shakes, then I'm burning muscle and not fat, which is dangerous and useless. And when I don't eat all day, when I get home for dinner I'm impossible to satisfy. I eat a healthy portion for dinner--the only meal when we have food I actually enjoy like honey marinated chicken breast and sauteed vegetables., or grilled salmon. If I was eating all day, like I should, I would probably be satisfied with the small portion I'm allotted for dinner, but since I don't my mind screams for more as soon as I'm finished. I end up battling cravings from just after dinner until bedtime--and I don't always win. Luckily I usually choose a healthy snack.

I wish there was a way for me to enjoy my breakfast and lunch meals without having to force feed myself. 

But oh well. Today's the last day anyway, too late to make any changes now. At least an all-liquid diet will simplify this mess. 

T-Minus 7 days

I had my final pre-op appointment today. It was a day full! I took off from work around 12:30, and drove up to Legacy Good Samaritan, home of the Weight Institute and my surgeons office. I had to have blood drawn for a final set of labs, have another EKG to double check for any heart abnormalities, meet with the nurse practioner again about the risks and my post op medications, and end the day with a 2 hour pre-op class.

The class consisted of Ben and I, and 4 other patients with their support people. Everybody in the class is having surgery next week. It was so surreal to look around and think "we're the next batch of after pictures just waiting to happen". There was a young mom there about my age, and I've decided that we're going to be friends. She had this contagious energy and optimism. It was friendship at first sight. I haven't technically spoken to her yet, but we're going to be in the same post-op support group, so I am confident I'll be able to win her over. *wink*

There were two sections to the class, the first half-hour was lead by one of the nutritionists at the clinic (happened to be mine!). I think most of the information was review for all of us, but it was helpful nonetheless. For me, a lot of this information started 8 months ago, so the refresher course was welcome.

She gave us shopping lists for the things we'll need to buy between now and next week to make sure we're prepared to come home from the hospital. Things like protein drinks, low sodium v8 juice, and chicken broth, since it'll be only liquids for 2 weeks, and only purreed foods (think applesauce) for an additional two weeks. She also went over the intense protein demands we'll be under. For example, for my weight I'll need to get at least 125 grams of protein a day, from my first day after surgery. To put that in perspective--that's about 5 large chicken breasts, or a 100 medium shrimp. Since I have to get all that purely from liquid, it's a tall order.

In fact, it's a gigantic order. Because my tiny new stomach will be swollen to an even smaller size, I can only drink in sips--about an ounce every 15 or 30 minutes. 

I have to drink an equivalent to 100 shrimp--in sips? Yep. She explained that it essentially means drinking a mixture of heavy protein powder (20 grams a scoop or more) and 2% milk all day every day for 2 weeks.

Oh yeah.  It's a sexy process, this recovery. :-) 

The nutritionist also let us know what to expect for the rest of the first 6 weeks of recovery. It was a lot of information to pack in to the first 30 minutes. After she finished, we spent just over an hour with the nurse practioner, who went over the medical side of everything. She explained what the day of surgery would look like, exactly what the anesthesiologist would do to put us under, and what we could expect to experience as we were waking up. It really did put a lot of my fears at ease. For example, it was really calming to hear that the anesthesiologist is going to be there throughout surgery ensuring that i'm just the right measure of 'out'. It's a fine line between needing a respirator because they don't want my diaphram getting in the way, and needing a respirator because I'm dead. So, I'm glad to know it'll be monitored constantly. haha! 

Of course she went over all of the risks--and their percentages--one more time. We've all heard and signed away on those risks a dozen times in the process, but it's always sobering to hear. 1 person in a 1000 still dies during this surgery. Since the clinic does several hundred a year between the 3 surgeons, the odds are a little intimidating. Will I be the one this year? 

Ben says I better not be. :-) 

All in all it was a good experience. Ben needed to hear about the risks and what to expect, so it was great to have him there with me. Even if it wasreview for me, a lot of it was new for him, and that's important. Just a week to go! 

On the dieting front, I will keep up with this same high-protein low calorie diet until Friday, and then I have to switch to an all clear-liquid diet for the 3 days before surgery. No memorial day barbecue for me. 

Small price to pay. 

By the way, I found this amazing website for post-surgery recipes. It's designed for bypass patients, but it's great for anyone looking for high protein and low calorie foods. I can't wait to try some of these! 

http://recipes.sparkpeople.com/cookbooks.asp?cookbook=64597

That's all for today, I'm off to watch the rest of the Idol Finale! Go Kris!

Oh--P.S.! I lost TWELVE (12!!!) POUNDS since my appointment on May 1st, since starting my pre-op diet. It was totally worth the wait to find out with my surgeon and Ben there to witness it, so I'm glad that stupid movie theatre scale didn't work!!

Weight Loss Diary--Entry # 1

Well! I'm really gonna do it. My surgery date is coming up fast--it's a week from tomorrow. The people who know about it keep asking 'so, are you nervous yet?' and every time I hear that question I want to punch someone. :-) Truth be told, I'm not nervous--yet. I have spent a year researching this surgery up, down and sideways and so I'm past the anxiety about what a 'serious' surgery this is. 

Of course, come next Tuesday morning when I haven't had a bite of food in 4 days, and I'm sitting in a hospital bed, in a hospital gown, waiting for the anesthesiologist to put me under--I'm going to be nervous as all get out.  But what's the point of being nervous now? I have a week to go! I'm as prepared as I could possibly be, and the rest is in the hands of God and Dr. Valerie Halpin!

But just because nerves aren't playing a big part in my life yet, doesn't mean things are calm. Things are crazy! Let me catch you up on who I am, and what life looks like for me right now.

My name is Dayna Park, and I'm 23. I've been married to the most incredible man on earth (sorry ladies) for just over 2 years. His name is Ben, and he's a civil/structural engineer, a graduate of Oregon State University (Go Beavers!). No kiddies yet, but hopefully with the weight loss, we'll be welcoming some into the world within a few years. 

I graduated last year with a B.S. in Communications. Since graduation, I've worked at three  different companies. I'm sure my resume is a nightmare. Most of it was entry-level customer service work, paying WAY below where a new graduate should be paid. Looking back, I think I was just... scared. Scared that if I applied for real Communications jobs, I wouldn't be able to hack it. Afraid that people would take one look at me and say 'no way is that girl representing our company'. So I've been playing it safe. As a receptionist or a call center rep, I can be a big fish in a small pond (no fat joke intended. *wink*). I can excel. 

Of course, excelling at a $10 an hour job is not all that fulfilling, when you have 4 years of schooling that's not being put to use and $50,000 in school loans to repay.

So just a few weeks ago, I took the plunge. I interviewed--and got--a grown up communications job. Along with it, a 15k a year jump in pay and a terrifying jump in responsibility and accountability. I'm not going to be an over-qualified receptionist anymore. I don't get to sit back and coast by on my high-school job skills.  I'm going to have to grow up, get organized, and crack open the old textbooks. 

The timing couldn't be better--or worse! I gave notice at my current job a week ago, so this Friday will be my last day. Surgery will be the following Tuesday, and after a quick 3 weeks of recovery time, I'll start at my new job on June 15th.

So it’s the beginning of a new life--all around. Can't beat the symbolic value, but gosh I've got my hands full. 

This week, I'm just taking it one step at a time. On the WLS (weight loss surgery) side of things I'm doing my best to stick to the pre-op diet my surgeon put me on. She said its standard procedure, dieting for the month before surgery to decrease the size and fat content in the liver--which they have to push out of the way for the entirety of the surgery. Basically, it's a high protein low calorie diet. The recommended foods?

• Non-Fat Cottage Cheese
• Non-Fat, Sugar Free Yogurt
• Non Starchy Vegetables
• Fruit
• Boneless, skinless turkey or chicken 

Oh, and 3 protein shakes a day to help me get to the minimum 110 grams. 

For about the first week I stuck to the diet perfectly, eating nothing but those foods, and only 3 times a day. But as I found myself getting discouraged and irritable in the second week, I called the surgeon and asked if there were some other foods that fit within the program. She told me it was fine to eat anything high in protein and low in fat and calories. So I've branched out into some whole grain sandwiches, fish, and other things to help shake things up. 

I'm actually doing pretty well, I think. The hard thing is that I can't really know for sure. I weigh quite a bit more than the average person, so there's not a bathroom scale in sight that will tell me if I'm making any progress, and I'm big enough that I can't SEE a few pounds of loss.  I got so curious that I even snuck onto one of those scales at the movie theatre to see if it would work--the kind you put a quarter into--but it said I weighed about 50 pounds less than I did at my last appointment, so somehow I doubt it's accuracy. :-) 

But I'll just keep trucking along, and hope that when I show up for my final pre-op consultation tomorrow, I've lost a few pounds.

I'm signing off for now, I've used most of my lunch break, which keeps me from over-eating, but I better save a little time to have--yet more--lean turkey breast. 

Adios!