Silly Dayna, vanity is for kids!

I'm hiding from my friends.

And it's stupid.

And I need to stop.

See, the holidays are often the time of year when I reconnect with friends and family and former co-workers that I haven't seen in a while. This year, in particular, has been full of those long lost friendships that are sprouting again.

And it's truly, thoroughly, exciting for me. I have really missed some of my friends, and I cannot WAIT to see them again. To catch up on their lives and laugh over old times. Some of them have kids that I'm dying to meet and spoil. Some of them have married, and I am thrilled to meet their new spouses.

But... I keep putting it off. I've been putting some of them off since June.

Finding one excuse or another to wait until next month. Or the next month, Or the next to actually meet. I stall with emails and texts and phone calls and cards and presents, I stall with excuses (though true) about my busy work schedule and how much I travel for work.

But none of those reasons are the truth.

The truth is...

It's because I'm afraid I haven't lost 'enough'.


I told you.



Stupid.


It's just, with such a public (and controversial) weight loss battle on my blog, on facebook, etc, I feel like there are tremendous... expectations.

It's one of the reasons I've moved most of my journey to this blog or private emails, and away from other forums.

Because I've figured out that normal, healthy people, do NOT understand the concept how 'pounds' lost actually equates to what I LOOK like.

I've lost over 130 pounds. That's a BIG number to the average person, who maybe weighs 150.

It's just, inconceivable to most. People hear that and think... miraculous transformation. They envision me wasting away now in a size 0. when someone loses 130 pounds on 'The Biggest Loser' they get their own clothing line and their on the cover of magazines.

Because in my experience 'fat' to normal people starts at about 185 pounds and stops at about 250, MAYBE 300 on a show like the Biggest Loser. Everyone over that is just 'huge'. They stop quantifying at that point.

So when I say I've lost 130 pounds, that MUST bring me into runway model weight range, right?

Wrong.

What's funny is that I'm still OVER 250 pounds. I carry my weight fairly well because of my height (5'9") so though most people knew I was very heavy, they had no idea that I was OVER 400 pounds at the time of surgery.

When your starting point is 400 pounds, 130 just... ISN'T... as big of a transformation as it sounds.

I mean health-wise it's amazing. As I mentioned, my surgeon told me I've gained 15 years of life already. But I'm still a 'big' woman.

And I'm afraid that these long lost friends will be... underwhelmed... by my progress.

Which is vain.

And not Christlike.

But I'll be darned if I don't feel it every time I talk to them about meeting up, and this blog is somewhere that I'm supposed to be honest, so I will be.

And to be honest, that superficial part of me is terrified of not meeting expectations. I want them to be surprised, not disappointed. I want my Jenny Jones 'I used to be fat' moment.

So I've been hiding, thinking that 20 more pounds will be enough to be comfortable seeing them. But then that 20 pounds comes and goes and it just wasn't as dramatic as I thought it would be, and I start thinking 'Maybe January... in January I'll probably be solidly into a size 16...'

And in January I'll think that if I can just hold off until March I'll be in a size 14 which is 'regular' sized clothes, and won't that be neat? I'll wait for March.

And then, lets say that I can bypass this insane line of thinking and tell myself that they don't CARE whether I've reached my goal weight or not, and they don't care what I look like.

See, then the second line of defense kicks in. I've also been avoiding showing my progress because... because I'm afraid it won't be permanent.

The truth is that many weight loss surgery patients gain some, or ALL, of the weight back because they don't change their habits, and eventually your stomach stretches enough to eat too many calories again.

And though I know that my life has changed drastically, I also know that I still have to fight food cravings everyday. I have to fight overeating at every MEAL, for that matter. It's a conscious daily battle.

And to tell you the truth, I don't have a great reputation for being all that consistent or dependable. It's all exciting now to see the pounds come off, but will I be this dedicated in a year? In 3? In 5?

And if I might gain it back... wouldn't it be better if my friends never saw this lower weight? Then it's like I've failed twice, instead of just once. They already picture me as fat right now, and it might be a LOT safer to leave them thinking that way until I get to my goal weight and I know I can maintain it for a while.

Definitely. So I'll just wait for that. Let's see, about a year to get to my goal weight, and then at least 10-12 months of maintenance...

So I can start seeing these old friends and long-distance family about... Christmas of 2011.

...


Get my drift? I've got some crazy thoughts going on in here.

And that's kind of an 'aha' moment.

Because I guess I thought that my insecurities would melt away with the pounds, you know? As I became less abnormal, as I started to fit in more, then I would feel more confident.

I guess I thought that my confidence issues were BECAUSE of my weight.

But I'm starting to figure out that...maybe...those issues aren't so related to the reflection in the mirror or the number on the scale.

In fact, I'm starting to wonder if maybe it was the other way around and the weight was because of the issues.

That just may be a bigger problem then...

No surgery to fix that.

Hmmm... Some thinking and praying to do methinks.