Now That's Just Mean...

Today is the first day of my liquid diet. I'm starving. Funny that yesterday I couldn't force myself to eat anything, but now that I'm not allowed to have food it all sounds delicious. I know right? Definitely a mental thing.

So half of my office is out on vacation today, taking a 4 day weekend. There are only a few of us that didn't take the day off, and apparently they decided to celebrate by having a potluck. 

Yeah. Great timing.

So there's a creamy slamon spread and crackers, Costco's giant chocolate muffins, a sausage breakfast casserole, cinammon and apple salsa on homemade tortilla chips and assorted other goodies. On a table. A table which sits 6 feet from my desk. 

That's just mean. 

:-) 

Oh well, no pain no gain---err, loss---right?!

Struggles...

Today is my last day of solid food for more than 4 weeks. I have to do a 3 day liquid diet before surgery, and then of course I'll be on liquid and eventually puree for my first 4 weeks of recovery. I keep waiting for this 'last meal' mindset to set in that makes me want to devour everything in sight. And afterall, I have every right to do that. My surgeon endorsed a free day before my liquid diet starts, to enjoy the foods you really love because you may not like them or be able to eat them after surgery. 

And yet, here it is 1:30 in the afternoon, the middle of my lunch break, and I haven't eaten anything today. I haven't even finished my first protein shake yet, and I should be half way through my second by this time of the day.  This has actually become a frustrating trend lately. Ever since starting my pre-op diet, I feel like I am force feeding myself all day at work. As wonderful as fruit smoothies are, when you add the protein powder, replace the juice with water, and have to have 40 ounces a day of them.... they lose their appeal. What was fun the first couple of days has become a chore--one I'm not good at pushing myself to accomplish.

I think the issue is that I don't really LIKE any of these high protein low calorie foods. We're talking cottage cheese, yogurt, veggies and lean deli meats here. All day, everyday. Eating is no-fun anymore, so I'm not interested in it. Nearly every day this week I have had to force myself to eat something because I have hit rock-bottom in my blood sugar. I keep meaning to eat breakfast... and then lunch...but next thing I know it's 3 in the afternoon and I'm light headed, shaking fingers, and suffering from smoothie induced heartburn.  

Do you know how strange it is to be a food addict who doesn't feel like eating? It's miserable. My energy is low and my mood is dipping as well. 

The thing is, I don't see any way to make myself 'happy' with the food. If I go out and splurge for my last day, have pizza or pasta or something I love, I'd feel so guilty afterward for the fat I ate that it wouldn't be at all worth it. Besides, we can't really afford to go out to eat, and all of the food in the refrigerator is healthy. 

But today I don't WANT to eat another bite of green beans, or lunch meat, or another spoonful of cottage cheese. Even hard boiled eggs sound disgusting. So here I am, spending my lunch break NOT eating.

The problem is, that I NEED to be eating. If I don't at least drink the protein shakes, then I'm burning muscle and not fat, which is dangerous and useless. And when I don't eat all day, when I get home for dinner I'm impossible to satisfy. I eat a healthy portion for dinner--the only meal when we have food I actually enjoy like honey marinated chicken breast and sauteed vegetables., or grilled salmon. If I was eating all day, like I should, I would probably be satisfied with the small portion I'm allotted for dinner, but since I don't my mind screams for more as soon as I'm finished. I end up battling cravings from just after dinner until bedtime--and I don't always win. Luckily I usually choose a healthy snack.

I wish there was a way for me to enjoy my breakfast and lunch meals without having to force feed myself. 

But oh well. Today's the last day anyway, too late to make any changes now. At least an all-liquid diet will simplify this mess. 

T-Minus 7 days

I had my final pre-op appointment today. It was a day full! I took off from work around 12:30, and drove up to Legacy Good Samaritan, home of the Weight Institute and my surgeons office. I had to have blood drawn for a final set of labs, have another EKG to double check for any heart abnormalities, meet with the nurse practioner again about the risks and my post op medications, and end the day with a 2 hour pre-op class.

The class consisted of Ben and I, and 4 other patients with their support people. Everybody in the class is having surgery next week. It was so surreal to look around and think "we're the next batch of after pictures just waiting to happen". There was a young mom there about my age, and I've decided that we're going to be friends. She had this contagious energy and optimism. It was friendship at first sight. I haven't technically spoken to her yet, but we're going to be in the same post-op support group, so I am confident I'll be able to win her over. *wink*

There were two sections to the class, the first half-hour was lead by one of the nutritionists at the clinic (happened to be mine!). I think most of the information was review for all of us, but it was helpful nonetheless. For me, a lot of this information started 8 months ago, so the refresher course was welcome.

She gave us shopping lists for the things we'll need to buy between now and next week to make sure we're prepared to come home from the hospital. Things like protein drinks, low sodium v8 juice, and chicken broth, since it'll be only liquids for 2 weeks, and only purreed foods (think applesauce) for an additional two weeks. She also went over the intense protein demands we'll be under. For example, for my weight I'll need to get at least 125 grams of protein a day, from my first day after surgery. To put that in perspective--that's about 5 large chicken breasts, or a 100 medium shrimp. Since I have to get all that purely from liquid, it's a tall order.

In fact, it's a gigantic order. Because my tiny new stomach will be swollen to an even smaller size, I can only drink in sips--about an ounce every 15 or 30 minutes. 

I have to drink an equivalent to 100 shrimp--in sips? Yep. She explained that it essentially means drinking a mixture of heavy protein powder (20 grams a scoop or more) and 2% milk all day every day for 2 weeks.

Oh yeah.  It's a sexy process, this recovery. :-) 

The nutritionist also let us know what to expect for the rest of the first 6 weeks of recovery. It was a lot of information to pack in to the first 30 minutes. After she finished, we spent just over an hour with the nurse practioner, who went over the medical side of everything. She explained what the day of surgery would look like, exactly what the anesthesiologist would do to put us under, and what we could expect to experience as we were waking up. It really did put a lot of my fears at ease. For example, it was really calming to hear that the anesthesiologist is going to be there throughout surgery ensuring that i'm just the right measure of 'out'. It's a fine line between needing a respirator because they don't want my diaphram getting in the way, and needing a respirator because I'm dead. So, I'm glad to know it'll be monitored constantly. haha! 

Of course she went over all of the risks--and their percentages--one more time. We've all heard and signed away on those risks a dozen times in the process, but it's always sobering to hear. 1 person in a 1000 still dies during this surgery. Since the clinic does several hundred a year between the 3 surgeons, the odds are a little intimidating. Will I be the one this year? 

Ben says I better not be. :-) 

All in all it was a good experience. Ben needed to hear about the risks and what to expect, so it was great to have him there with me. Even if it wasreview for me, a lot of it was new for him, and that's important. Just a week to go! 

On the dieting front, I will keep up with this same high-protein low calorie diet until Friday, and then I have to switch to an all clear-liquid diet for the 3 days before surgery. No memorial day barbecue for me. 

Small price to pay. 

By the way, I found this amazing website for post-surgery recipes. It's designed for bypass patients, but it's great for anyone looking for high protein and low calorie foods. I can't wait to try some of these! 

http://recipes.sparkpeople.com/cookbooks.asp?cookbook=64597

That's all for today, I'm off to watch the rest of the Idol Finale! Go Kris!

Oh--P.S.! I lost TWELVE (12!!!) POUNDS since my appointment on May 1st, since starting my pre-op diet. It was totally worth the wait to find out with my surgeon and Ben there to witness it, so I'm glad that stupid movie theatre scale didn't work!!

Weight Loss Diary--Entry # 1

Well! I'm really gonna do it. My surgery date is coming up fast--it's a week from tomorrow. The people who know about it keep asking 'so, are you nervous yet?' and every time I hear that question I want to punch someone. :-) Truth be told, I'm not nervous--yet. I have spent a year researching this surgery up, down and sideways and so I'm past the anxiety about what a 'serious' surgery this is. 

Of course, come next Tuesday morning when I haven't had a bite of food in 4 days, and I'm sitting in a hospital bed, in a hospital gown, waiting for the anesthesiologist to put me under--I'm going to be nervous as all get out.  But what's the point of being nervous now? I have a week to go! I'm as prepared as I could possibly be, and the rest is in the hands of God and Dr. Valerie Halpin!

But just because nerves aren't playing a big part in my life yet, doesn't mean things are calm. Things are crazy! Let me catch you up on who I am, and what life looks like for me right now.

My name is Dayna Park, and I'm 23. I've been married to the most incredible man on earth (sorry ladies) for just over 2 years. His name is Ben, and he's a civil/structural engineer, a graduate of Oregon State University (Go Beavers!). No kiddies yet, but hopefully with the weight loss, we'll be welcoming some into the world within a few years. 

I graduated last year with a B.S. in Communications. Since graduation, I've worked at three  different companies. I'm sure my resume is a nightmare. Most of it was entry-level customer service work, paying WAY below where a new graduate should be paid. Looking back, I think I was just... scared. Scared that if I applied for real Communications jobs, I wouldn't be able to hack it. Afraid that people would take one look at me and say 'no way is that girl representing our company'. So I've been playing it safe. As a receptionist or a call center rep, I can be a big fish in a small pond (no fat joke intended. *wink*). I can excel. 

Of course, excelling at a $10 an hour job is not all that fulfilling, when you have 4 years of schooling that's not being put to use and $50,000 in school loans to repay.

So just a few weeks ago, I took the plunge. I interviewed--and got--a grown up communications job. Along with it, a 15k a year jump in pay and a terrifying jump in responsibility and accountability. I'm not going to be an over-qualified receptionist anymore. I don't get to sit back and coast by on my high-school job skills.  I'm going to have to grow up, get organized, and crack open the old textbooks. 

The timing couldn't be better--or worse! I gave notice at my current job a week ago, so this Friday will be my last day. Surgery will be the following Tuesday, and after a quick 3 weeks of recovery time, I'll start at my new job on June 15th.

So it’s the beginning of a new life--all around. Can't beat the symbolic value, but gosh I've got my hands full. 

This week, I'm just taking it one step at a time. On the WLS (weight loss surgery) side of things I'm doing my best to stick to the pre-op diet my surgeon put me on. She said its standard procedure, dieting for the month before surgery to decrease the size and fat content in the liver--which they have to push out of the way for the entirety of the surgery. Basically, it's a high protein low calorie diet. The recommended foods?

• Non-Fat Cottage Cheese
• Non-Fat, Sugar Free Yogurt
• Non Starchy Vegetables
• Fruit
• Boneless, skinless turkey or chicken 

Oh, and 3 protein shakes a day to help me get to the minimum 110 grams. 

For about the first week I stuck to the diet perfectly, eating nothing but those foods, and only 3 times a day. But as I found myself getting discouraged and irritable in the second week, I called the surgeon and asked if there were some other foods that fit within the program. She told me it was fine to eat anything high in protein and low in fat and calories. So I've branched out into some whole grain sandwiches, fish, and other things to help shake things up. 

I'm actually doing pretty well, I think. The hard thing is that I can't really know for sure. I weigh quite a bit more than the average person, so there's not a bathroom scale in sight that will tell me if I'm making any progress, and I'm big enough that I can't SEE a few pounds of loss.  I got so curious that I even snuck onto one of those scales at the movie theatre to see if it would work--the kind you put a quarter into--but it said I weighed about 50 pounds less than I did at my last appointment, so somehow I doubt it's accuracy. :-) 

But I'll just keep trucking along, and hope that when I show up for my final pre-op consultation tomorrow, I've lost a few pounds.

I'm signing off for now, I've used most of my lunch break, which keeps me from over-eating, but I better save a little time to have--yet more--lean turkey breast. 

Adios!